• healers who care
• an amazing date with Steph
• yummy sushi
  

• yoga
• next year they've got a whole new and improved yoga schedule with lots more meditation, lots more classes
• finally having time to prepare for my class
  

• holiday party at my neighbors - they're so nice and fantastic
• finishing work projects
• good weather
  

• sweet messages from Steph
• healing from Jeni - and dinner too
• finding a sweet puppy on the street and seeing my dog play with him all morning
  

• Skyping with Jane
• that "Soul Food" second season was released onto DVD finally!
• lemon verbena tea
  

• acupuncture
  
• being healed by someone who really cares
• refried beans
• lunch with my advisor
  

• studying and dinner with Lena
• snuggling with my dog
• my sister actually needing me and not just the other way around
• "V-Day"
  

• dinner at neighbor's
• really sweet mentee
• feeling good and grateful about not leaving town thursday
  

• ordering in sushi
• really nice people at hospice
• fun night out - woman dancing with me, drinking too much, and getting a text message from her this morning
  

• healing and relaxing massage
• nourishing dinner with Jeni (the masseur)
  
• having time just to watch a movie and chill
• great haircut that included a scalp massage
  

• amazing sushi dinner with L
• fab concert
• changed my flight - more time to myself here
  

• sex so good it made my migraine go away
• lunch with Tracy
• call from neighbors
  

• chocolate
• yoga
• sweet doggie snuggles
  

• yummy chocolate cake and vegan egg nog at the party
• invitation for latkes with neighbors
• eye healing
  

• eye finally healing
• found yummy chicken sausages without pork or nitrates at costco
• Mom signed up with hospice, hopefully they can help her
  

• phone message from Alzheimer's Assoc.
• Dad's friend's efforts to get him back on track
• phone call with Neha
  

• fantastic sushi dinner
• humorous team meeting
• got colloidal silver to help with my eye infections
  

• amazing night with my advisor and classmate
• David Broza is on PBS!
• taking care of myself
  

• sweet conversation with Cory
• invitation from friends to meet them out, which although i'm staying in to organize my new digs, i appreciated
• amazing facial
• new furniture which looks amazing
  

• got to catch up with the PP via Skype
• laid back meeting with my advisor - and she's coming to this conference with me, which is fantastic
• new furniture coming so I can get organized in my office area
  

• great sex
• falling asleep in my bed with only my dog - getting what i need and not being pushed for something that I'm not ready for
• getting a lot of work done
  

• finished holiday cards
• found great film for my class
• clean home
  

• fabulous trip to San Francisco
• treated myself to some fantastic new stuff
• almost no traffic
  

• great sex
• that I organized people to go to this concert tonight and have something fun to do
• having cooked really healthy food earlier in the week that I just had to heat up
  

• call from Cory
• text from Dave
  
• guy at AAA who was so excited about my road trip
  

• friendship with Penni
• snuggly dog
• nice home
  

• good communication with my family, even though dealing with a rough issue
• my dog to keep me company when i'm sick
• having book club book to keep my occupied without feeling too lonely and my class to look forward to
  

• opportunities for growth
• fantastic neighbors
• a big bowl of Pho
  

• being wanted, it makes me feel good and worthy and boosts the ego
• filled schedule
• another date tomorrow
• loose schedule
  

• got good advice about the future
• another bike ride today
• the flexibility to be able to take a night off
  

• friend made me dinner last night
• watching the l-word is always super fun - and this dvd jerry bought be actually works
• making plans for thanksgiving in san francisco
• very sweet, snuggling dog
  

• had opportunity to volunteer but briefly and I was good about boundaries
• amazing film festival surrounded by friends - its so fun to not even have to plan who i'll hang out with, there's just ton of people
• good food, even though i can't stop eating, it all tastes so good
• cab franc wine last night with chocolate walnut cookies...yummy!
  

• neighbors had me over for dinner
• finished 2 fellowship applications this week!
• friend helping me out with finding sources for my article
  

• phone call from cousin catching me up on Mom
• Mom's out of the hospital
• there are a lot of people clearly concerned about her, and at least I'm not the only one who doesn't know exactly what to do
• I have the possibility for plans tonight, but no pressure to actually make them - so I can stay at home and work but not feel too dorky
• a peer met me for lunch to give me lots of advice about being on the job market next year

• support of my advisor
• got letter of recommendation from another team member - might get financial support next year
• riding my bike to and from school, feels good to get exercise
• really amazing restorative meditation yoga class last night
  

• call from Penni to go get dinner
• party afterwards in honor of a peer getting his ma; lots of friendly people
• Penni might come over tonight
• next weekend - already all planned out
• in a week and a half, I'll advance to candidacy
• my sis called me - we're actually becoming friends
  

• beautiful joshua trees
• being with friends who actually encourage me taking care of myself and are supportive
• that I got medication to take to help me sleep
  

• meditation workshop
• text messages from friends encouraging me to go out
• snuggles from my dog when I woke up too early from a nightmare
  

• my fantastic neighbors are home
• having supportive peers
• time alone at home with my dog
  

• perspective
• a day off if even only because of a migraine
• snuggling with my dog
• stress eraser
  

• friends who take care of me
• people who stayed around to help me clean up last night
• how good it feels to be surrounded by friends
  

• dating options
• Cory called
• found great Imago course
  
• completed draft of my comprehensive exam
  

• being in my own home in my own bed
• this woman who used to help me out with stuff here has time to do some more work for me
• going to get paid for my work by my research team
• support from a faculty member here
• seeing Jerry makes me grateful that I was strong enough to leave him
  

• being picked up from the airport, even when time keeps changing
• connecting to strangers about shared experiences
• seeing my dog again!
• being able to open up and just cry if I need to and vent in therapy
  

• sex that's so good, I have trouble breathing
• being treated right
• this workout bike that has a virtual reality type screen that's very fun
  

• amazing sex last hours and hours
  
• trying something new
• knowing that i have my own home to go back to
• guided imagry

• Dad's affection and gratitude
• that he's cooking dinner
• got free lunch from this blind date my sis set me up with
  

• great day wine tasting with friends
• they sang me happy birthday
• michael got us free tastings at my favorite place
• christine offered for me to call while I'm away if I need to vent
  

• another great date
• make that two
• supportive advisors
  

• beach picnic with Karma with a great bottle of wine
• soft kisses
• men wanting to date me, and that I've got options
• things good with my advisor
  

• wine tasting
• really nice dinner
  
• fabulous weather

• a lot of really great sushi
• great sex
• good kiss
• a little perspective
  

• phone call from the purplep in Israel
• food making my blood sugar go back to a normal level
• snuggly dog
  

• one date read my most recent article
• pool party at the home of friends - so great to feel a part of a community, to feel welcome, and be able to cool off from all this heat
• my advisor's so fab- even though I showed up for a meeting on the wrong day, she was cool about it
• found a sex buddy and oh yeah it feels good to be able to have my sexual needs met
  

• comments to my blog
• my sister's trying to set me up, which is kinda sweet
• conversation with my niece and nephew - i love them so much!
  

• pedicures
• alternatives
• how much better I feel after working out

• card from Sanchi
• email from first date guy
• book club and party tomorrow
• neighbors back in town
• faith
• my work/research
• my dad, sister, niece, nephew, and Mom's cousin = my last bit of family (other than Mom)
• meditation timer clock
• found meditation group at school and they are non-religious/dogmatic
  

• Fun first date
• migraine medication
• massage and dinner with masseur

• yoga classes that allow me to work with where I am with my shoulder troubles
• really good sushi lunch that was pretty cheap
• coming home to a happy doggie
  

• Friends who have shown me a lot of support, even just calling or meeting me for a meal - it makes a big difference
• That Jerry and I got to have our relationship autopsy
  
• That I managed to get SOME work done today
• That I'll have lots of people to connect with when I go to Kansas City, and when I return there will likely be lots of stuff going on here
• My advisor believes in my work and in the future of my career
  

Okay, I certainly got off track with this. But, I'm going to make an effort to start up again.

• Met with my therapist and gave space to working through the breakup trauma.
• Neighbor reached out to me and is a great source of support.
• Took a bike ride to a coffee shop and ran into a friend. It made me feel not so alone - like people are out there if I just go. And it felt good to get a little exercise.
• I'm proud of myself for having not contacted Jerry and for having not let myself be treated badly anymore!
  

• Acupuncture
• Massage
• Facial
• Friends
  

• Jerry is making a lot of effort to treat me better, and it really shows. He spoke with his mother yesterday about issues she's having with Jerry's dad, and Jerry sort of spoke about me as a role model in these regards.
• Jerry took me out for sushi yesterday; ah filled a big craving!
• Spent Friday at this incredible spa for Jerry's birthday - got a couple's massage, hung out in a eucaplytus steam room, hot tub, incedible dinner, ah it was great!
• I'm typing on my new computer! The screen is super big.
• I'm almost done with my paper that's due tomorrow.

• Went for a gorgeous hike yesterday; its feels good to get exercise and be outside.
• One of my team members said something really nice to me - John said: You've been on this project for 2 years now; of course your name should be on the publications.
• My garden has grown to look incredible - lots of fresh herbs.
• Jerry and I had the most amazing time in bed last night - things are improving!!!! He held me really tight at a couple of points, and it just made me really feel loved.
  

• The power came back on
• I have a lot of candles
• That I have my dog to keep me company
• That my committee is so positive about my work

1. New blinds - and they're electric. So cool! I just press a button and these unreachable blinds open and close. I haven't made use of those windows the whole time I've been here. And now I sleep better because its darker in my bedroom.
2. Taking time off to take care of myself - necessary because I've been sick, but its felt good to just lie around for a few days snuggling with my dog.
3. Jerry's been taking care of me. It feels good.
4. My sister called me to offer to share some of what my dad is giving her. She never shares; this was very oddly unselfish of her.
5. Couldn't get out to get food? Well, Thai food delivered! Ah, it was expensive, but it'll feed me for days until I'm up to going to the grocery store again.
6. Finally found some decent kosher pickles last week at Smart and Final. Ah good Jewish pickles, how I've missed you.
7. I'm starting to feel better. What a relief! You never know how long you'll be sick when you get sick, and I'm glad that I'm finally starting to feel better. I actually think that the cold meds that Jerry brought me helped - even though my father would seriously not approve.
8. I haven't spoken to my father much this week - and it feels good to have the space from him. I think I need this.
9. My dog was SO sweet about me being sick - she would just deal with not having her normal walks and snuggled up to me constantly.
   

1. Family gatherings
2. Passover - probably my favorite holiday
3. Affection from my neice and nephew
4. Opportunity to spend time with Mom
5. The authority that I have within my family now to be able to make things better when needed
   

• Jerry made me dinner last night. He had that look of affection in his eyes again when he looked at me.
• My friends met for writing group last night afterwards, which helped me prepare for upcoming conference.
• A friend offered for me to share her room with her at the conference.
• I'm enjoying not having a schedule right now - just doing things as I please and being kinda hidden away at my home.
• Jerry invited me to his meet his family.
  

Support and Snuggles

• Dinner tonight with my friends meeting Jerry
• Supportive relaxing opportunities today to counter my bought with insomnia
• Snuggling with Jerry AND my dog on the couch watching documentary about Petra. How I want to go to Petra
  

Clean House, Clean Schedule

1. home is clean!
2. PP is coming to visit!
3. Jerry gave me his tv, so I gave mine to a classmate, so she gave me a gift certificate for a manicure.
4. great time with friends yesterday - and I'm starting to feel accepted with them
5. enormous flexibility in my schedule right now
6. we're looking at scheduling a defense for my master's thesis = me getting the degree finally
   

Little Budda

• Jerry made me filet mignon for dinner last night
• Friend came over to watch Gilmore Girls and we just chilled
• I'm finally getting a hair cut today
• I ordered something from a catalog and they sent the wrong color, so now I get the wrong color ones for free and the color that I did order also - which arrived yesterday
• I found this great little Budda statue at an antique store which looks amazing in my garden
  

Weekend Rest

• Yo Yo Ma concert - Silk Roads
• Jerry finally spending the night after what feels like a month
• PP is coming to visit soon!
• big brunch out on Sunday
• found a way to get my dog to stop barking while I'm having sex - - give her a rawhide treat
  

Support, Weather, and Sushi

• Alzheimer's Association support group - there's one woman who shows up who is much older but has a similar situation to mine; however we've all noted that I've got a much better handle on the situation - it was nice to have that perspective.
• Had nice sushi dinner with Jerry last night
• Beautiful weather
• Had acupunture yesterday which really helped with my digestive track
  

Happy Purim!

1. *A* and Jerry finally met, and it went well.
2. Had a blast with *A* at this big art show.
3. Jerry went with me to the Vagina Monologues, saving me when no one else would go, and he seemed to actually enjoy it too :)
4. Fixed up my back porch, which was relaxing and looks great.
5. Lots of activities this weekend and work to do, but in a nice balance.
6. Its Purim tonight! And, I have a friend to go to services with - Jerry even seemed somewhat interested in going, which wierds me out, but is nice.
7. I ordered a book on traveling around Berkeley and Oakland, and I'll put off worrying about the trip until then - thanks for the advice of breaking it down into steps Gail.
   

Steak Dinner

• Jerry's making me steak for dinner
• Gilmore Girls with friends over at my place last night
• My back porch is getting fixed up pretty nicely
• Not too much pressure in this in between time; I'm appreciating it!
  

Good Week

1. Being able to drink a beer without getting a migraine
2. Sunday night study group and L-word
3. Jerry makes pretty decent beer
4. Getting over PTSD symptoms
5. Meditation - even though I was late for the group, still feels good to just sit and meditate
6. Beautiful hike today with Jerry and the dog
7. Wonderful neighbors, had me over last night for wine and movie
   

Coming Home

• Coming home
• Walk on cliffs overlooking ocean with Jerry
• Got the place cleaned
• Not too much stress
  

Weekend in San Diego

• The train - even though it took FOREVER, it was still very relaxing, especially at the beginning, with great views
• The weather has been FABULOUS and its snowing in KC :P
• The best lunch at D.Z. Atkins - - matzo ball soup and a brisket sandwich on pumpernickle
• Went to Bourbon Street club last night, and it was lesbian night - great atmosphere. I had a really good time there.
• I'm meeting a friend for brunch tomorrow, who I was worried I wouldn't get to see. She's really fabulous, and it'll be great to see her.
  

Finally: A Nice Valentine's Day

I normally hate Valentine's Day, but last night was really nice, and I proved to myself that I can still cook. I cleared off my dining room table which was previously completely covered in books and research materials. I also had my decks refinished, and they look amazing.

Draft of Thesis Done!

• I turned in the completed draft of my thesis!!!!
• I'm getting my deck cleaned up and restained, and its starting to look really nice.
• I finally have time to do laundry.
  

Sunday Routines, More Nice Things

• Jerry's trying. At least he clearly heard me.
• Study group with friends.
• L-word at friends' place.
• Got feedback on my thesis.
  

Back to the Path

• Gail has been posting comments all over my blog, making me go back and look at what I posted and what process I've been taking in the last couple of months. This was an important reminder for me; thanks Gail.
• My sister and I spoke about Mom's situation and it was good to get some perspective with her and to know that I'm not the only one thinking about it.
• My home really is this very comfortable place for me, and this stuff I've been doing with my gardens makes all the difference!
• I may have woken up without another person in my bed, but I woke up refreshed and having had a good nights sleep!
  

Nice Things

• I can always count on there being services on Friday night, and I appreciate that I have friends to go with.
• Despite calls for rain, the weather's been gorgeous.
• Many opporutnities for the future, but not too many commitments - the world is at my finger tips.
• I slept last night with a lower dose of the sleep medication - so I'm on track to go off of it altogether by next month!
• Pedicures today with my friend, Jennifer.
  

Good Week

• Invite from friend to go to talk. Then, I got in when half the people behind me didn't.
• Companionship from Jerry. There's something great about waking up to someone next to you.
• Getting even farther on my thesis.
• My dog - so sweet and snuggly.
• No migraine in a month!
• The support group for adult children whose parents have Alzheimer's.
• Got a card from Mom today that her cousin helped her send. It was very sweet.
  

Keeping Me Going

• Progress on my thesis
• Phone calls from old friends
• Nice weather
• Study group
  

Cravings Fulfilled

• Sushi from this amazing sushi place with really fresh fish and interesting rolls.
• I finally got my whole "story" off my chest to Jerry. I don't know if he responded exactly as I would have liked, but I'm glad that its out there and not something secret I have to deal with.
• I fell asleep next to him and actually slept with no ptsd response.
• Stressless day to work on my thesis, which is coming along nicely.
• Having my own space with no roommates, except for my very obnoxious dog.
• Another massage and art therapy from that therapist/friend, who is just amazing. I really feel my body healing as things heal inside.
  

Schechianu

• Jerry made me dinner last night - salmon, potatoes, squash. Its the first time in a long time that a date has cooked for me.
• My research team had to meet yesterday to fix a mistake that I made, but no one even pointed out that it was my mistake. My advisor even told me afterwards that I'm doing a good job.
• I got new patio furniture, and it looks beautiful.
• I got lattice put up on by back porch, which makes me more protected and looks great.
• My thesis is coming along. I'm on page 70! Another week or two and I'll have a complete draft.
• A friend who met with my mom regarding Grandma's estate sent me this in an email: "She was carrying your postcard in her pocket and was showing it off. I think it meant a lot to her. Just wanted to let you know!"

Sneaking Up on Me

• My neighbors invited me over to watch "Unfinished Life" or whatever its called - with Robert Redford after the press knocked on my door about the anniversary of the murders.
• I got some good work done.
• Beautiful sunset.
  

Social Support

• My neighbors called and invited me over to their place for dinner. Its nice to have this fall back option, and they're great people who I really enjoy spending time with.
• I had the most amazing date last night.
• Today there's another study group which will likely really help me focus to get some work done on my thesis.
  

Healing

• Multiple options for what to do last night.
• I can drink white wine now without getting a migraine.
• I haven't had a migraine in three weeks, which means that I've broken their pattern.
• I met with my gyn yesterday, who noted that these test results about my non-existent level of estrogen in my blood are actually okay, and that there's probably nothing to worry about.
• I got all of these comments about the whole Z thing which helped me gain perspective about it.
• Got massage yesterday where we did some art therapy and visualization. It seems like my back is starting to heal as my heart becomes more light and open.
  

Another Baby Step

• Today, I'll meet with the doctor finally and get an explanation about blood work results.
• My therapist was really helpful in guiding me back to my path last night.
• I managed to get through the night leaning into what I was feeling instead of trying to cover it up with food or alcohol.
• I had a Dali Lami DVD on hand from netflix...even though I couldn't understand him and finally figured if I was going to read, I might as well do it from a book, but his voice is very soothing.
• A couple more pages done on my thesis.
  

A Little Relief

• "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron
• Lunch with *A*
• Actually getting some work done
• The energy of the local coffee shop and that my friends met me there to study with me
• Help from Romi
• Waking up today just feeling a little better
• Walks on the beach at sunset

Laughter, Starlight, and a Kiss

• I had a great date last night, even though he's politically a little far to the right for me. But, he made me laugh and feel comfortable and attractive and just a regular person for one night.
  
• We kissed under the stars. He's a good foot taller than I am, so I had to be on my tippy toes and bending his knees in order for it to work. Very humorous.
• Today, I have an acupunture appointment and we're going to work on my feelings re:my aunt.
  

Connecting With Others

1. Queer marathon last night. I got a lot of studying done and even some direction from someone who has already written her thesis. I'm going to stop coding and start writing, which I hope gives me a big push.
2. That when I called up friends who had invited me over to watch the "L Word" and told them that I was with this group of 6 people who wanted to come over also and watch, that they were open and seemed not to mind. (What an awkward situation to have to ask!) But it might turn into a weekly thing.
3. That feeling of not being alone. A woman last night was going through a sudden breakup where her girlfriend wouldn't talk about anything, and it made me feel better knowing that I wasn't the only one dealing with people in this sort of situation.
   

That Was For Friday...This is For Today

• Neighbors having me over for dinner.
• Animal control coming over so fast to check out the skunk smell IN my house and that they think that the skunk was just at the vent and not actually in the attic.
• Having healthy left overs around.
• Permission from my advisor to take it somewhat easy on myself re: work.
  

Trying Something New

1. Guided meditation at the Buddhist center.
2. Dinner afterwards, which I didn't want to stay for, but everyone was pushing me to stay.
3. Massage therapy.
4. Upcoming second date.
   

Maybe Not the Healthiest

• Kraft macaroni and cheese
• Time alone in my home
• Acupuncture and the talent of my acupunturist in figuring out not only how to get my chi flowing again, but how to stop it from shorting out in the future. Also, her openness in sharing her own story, which gave me hope and let me feel less alone.
• Having a date on Saturday night

What a Little Moonlight Will Do

1. A very nice first date
2. Positive feedback from my advisor
3. Support from Hospice
4. Actually getting some work done (albeit very little)
5. Going out for breakfast yesterday with *A*
   

With a Little Help

1. Friends invited me over to watch the "L Word", which gave me a safety net from having to drag *A* over to "The Notebook".
2. Book club.
3. Mimosas.
4. How beautiful my garden is becoming.
5. That I finally got my heater replaced last year.
6. That I finally got 5 minutes of work done. Its a start!
   

For Those Helping Me Take Care of Myself

1. The massage that I just received from a graduate student in Pscyhology who focuses on trauma and helps me realize some of the mind-body connections
2. Mom got a massage today too.
   
3. The acupunture that I received this morning to help raise my theshold, get my digestion back in order, and mitigate the migraines
4. My conversation with Mom. I'm so grateful that I was finally able to talk with her after 3 attempts.
5. The couple that's meeting me tonight at shul, so I can go and say Kaddish for Grandma (today is shloshim), but don't have to be there alone.
6. The services this woman is offering me helping me get organized and find people to do repairs on my place.
7. The Alzheimer's Association is offering all of these support groups, which I haven't made it to yet, but I feel releaved just knowing that they're out there.
   

I'm Not Broken

1. sunset walks on the beach
2. phone call with PP, a reminder that I'm not alone
   
3. lots of support groups out there if I need them
4. "The Five Pennies" starring Danny Kaye
5. how good it feels to just sit on the couch without any obligations or pressure
6. my snuggly dog who licks away my tears
   

The Last Few Days

1. *A* brought dinner over.
2. Friends came over to watch Gilmore Girls, nice company.
3. Connected with a few strangers, nice to have connections not so embedded. One tried to pick me up on the street and was very charming.
4. Coming home.
5. My dog - snuggles and kisses.
6. My front patio now has lattice giving me a higher fence, more privacy, more beauty.